I don’t have any more prayers left in me—I’m used up. All I can do is sit back and watch my friends and loved ones deal with the pain of life, and I can’t do a thing. This past week has felt like little more than a barrage of attacks and questions, watching loved ones go through hell, and being helpless.
I’m dried up. I have no messages to write, no songs to sing, no words of encouragement. I’ve said them all.
Through it all, I’ve yet to shed a tear, but as I’m spilling my heart out onto this screen, I can feel them start to well up, but they still don’t fall.
Why does it have to be this way? Why is my friend’s sibling in the hospital having limbs amputated? Why is a loved one in a terrible work situation where they are constantly belittled and put down? Why am I growing closer to God yet simultaneously finding ever darker parts of my own soul? Why is the housing situation for some other loved ones falling through time and time again? Why is my friend receiving threats of rape?
God, for the love of us, why is all of this happening? What good could possibly come from this?
I find myself lashing out in my head against others, myself, and God. I sit on the couch, surrounded by family members praying for someone in need, and I have no words to pray. I’m just shaking with rage, impotence, and desperation. I need to punch a hole in the wall or run until I am exhausted or curl up in a corner and cry, but instead I walk to my computer and write this post.
Just yesterday my pastor was talking about trust in God and how the hard and good times relate to that. How He has a plan, and the early Christians took comfort in that–it was the thing they clung to when they were thrown in prison or beaten or killed. But it seems so distant.
What else can I trust in though? I’ve burned all the other bridges. I think I can relate to David, once more out in the wilderness shaking his fist and yelling angrily at the sky. But just like David, as soon as I do this, I immediately find myself clinging to the same one I was screaming at, for therein lies my only hope.
I can’t come up with any other words. Just this one: please.
I guess I did have one more prayer in me, and it is being squeezed out of me like the last drop of juice from an already squeezed orange.